Stay Home and Eat Plants
by Charles McKelvy
Given the appalling lack of choices in the fast-approaching November 8 presidential election, I am throwing my hat in the ring as a write-in candidate running on the simple platform of:
STAY HOME AND EAT PLANTS, or: SHEAP.
That’s right: if elected President of the United States of America as the SHEAP candidate by the sheeple of the United States, I will take office in my home office, and I will encourage my fellow Americans to follow suit. Stay home for work. Stay home for play, and treat your family to Staycation. Make your current state your favorite state and discover it anew. Stick around. Go for a walk. Ride a bike. Go to your local library and borrow a good book or two.
Leave the car in the garage at least one day a week. Discover the wonders of public transportation. Leave the flying to the birds. Stay home.
Oh, and eat plants.
By that I mean, eat a plant-based diet. Good for you, good for the planet. Let’s all let the little piggies grow up to be contented big piggies. Replace bacon with kale crisps. Honestly. We don’t need to kill animals so their meat can kill us. For a detailed explanation by a true expert on the subject, please bookmark the following website: www.drmcdougall.com.
John A. McDougall, M.D., and his kitchen-savvy wife, Mary, prove that a starch-rich, plant-based diet is not only good for you, but it is good for the sea, air and land. If more and more of us ate a plant-based diet, we would halt the run-away train wreck that is so-called healthcare in America. We’d be fit and stay fit and live longer, more productive lives.
So stay at home and eat plants.
That’s what I would do if elected President of these here United States of America. I would stay at home and continue to eat plants, and I would bring home our ships and planes and tanks and smart bombs and dumb drones and our entire war machine and beat them into plowshares like the Bible told us to do. I would put an end to endless war and pursue peace, at home while eating plants.
I think everything my fellow Michigander Michael Moore wished for in his latest film, Where to Invade Next, would pretty much follow from there. So, give Michael’s movie a thoughtful viewing, and at least give the SHEAP PARTY a passing thought as you go bleating off to your local polling station on November 8 to consider the dismal choices before you.