THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL
by Charles McKelvy
The woman at the garden center promised that “these were the best clippers money could buy. They’re spring-loaded,” she said. “The best!”
So he bought the clippers and went straight to work on the tangled undergrowth that was his front yard.
Hey, the village was threatening to fine him up one side of Sunday and down the other if he didn’t clean it up in five business days, and he didn’t have the wiggle room at the moment to pop for a lawnmower, so he bought the best clippers money could buy.
And he was sure, as he clipped away at the stubborn undergrowth, that he would never get to the bottom of it all.
But then those clippers, with a sixth sense all their own, pulled his hand deep into the densest thicket and opened hungrily over an imposing, blood-red root.
The clippers were so happy they actually hummed.
For they had found the ultimate prey, the very reason for their manufacture in a slave labor factory far from these shores. And they seemed to beckon him to squeeze the handles and severe the gnarled root.
Yes, a gnarled root, but THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.
So he squeezed the clippers and cut THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.
Hot, syrupy sap suddenly oozed and hissed out of the severed root, and, in no time flat, the world was one happy place.
Peace and love steered the stars and there was no more need for guns, bombs, or the federal goon squads, or the lying banksters and their pocket politicians and presstitutes.
It was THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF ACQUARIUS.
All because he had gotten that citation from the village and gone to the garden center and bought the best clippers money could buy.