Flash Fiction

Pour It!                                                        Copyright 2017 Charles McKelvy

Flash Fiction

by Charles McKelvy

They were of one race, and he was of another, and, unbeknownst to the two of them, he was a stone-cold sociopath who moonlighted as a hit man.

So, when they gave him—their foreman—a load of back talk on the job, he ordered the two street punks to go down to the bottom of the caisson and clear it out so concrete could be poured into it.

We’re talking about a footing for a massive skyscraper here, so it was deep.

Really, really deep.

The two trash-talkers obeyed, and when they were all the way down there in the bottom of that deep, dark caisson, the heartless foreman nodded at the man on the concrete chute and said: “Pour it.”

And pour it on those unsuspecting trash-talkers they did.

And no one was the wiser, except for you.

But just to be on the safe side, you might want to keep it to yourself.

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Mel

Flash Fiction

by Charles McKelvy

“There’s a bloody fingerprint on the cover of this book.”

“No, it’s just jelly. I was eating a jelly donut in the truck on the way here. It’s just jelly. I assure you.”

The associate librarian wasn’t buying it. She knew a bloody fingerprint from a jelly-donut fingerprint. So she said: “I don’t believe you.”

The mild-mannered man was named Mel, and he was the one who delivered books to local libraries in the Mid-state Electric Library cooperative, as well as organs to hospitals. Librarians knew not to ask Mel too many questions, but this associate wasn’t buying it, so Mel fingered his tightly trimmed mustache and said: “I tell you—it’s jelly—not blood.”

The associate librarian still wasn’t buying it, so she said: “I want to look in your truck. If it’s all the same to you.”

Mel eyed the fearless librarian and fidgeted some more with his neat little mustache. He sighed and said: “I’m sorry, but that’s entirely out of the question. No one looks in the truck but authorized medical personnel. And you don’t—“

“Oh, but I AM an authorized library professional, and I AM going to go have a look, if it’s all the same to you.”

And before Mel could cough, the little lady was off to inspect his truck.

She never returned.

So Mel shrugged and went off to the next library on his rounds where another nosy associate librarian said: “There’s a bloody fingerprint on the cover of this book.”

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Paper Cuts

Flash Fiction

by Charles McKelvy

“You are hereby sentenced to death by paper cuts.”

“Excuse me?!?”

“You will die a death by paper cuts.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“Excuse me?!?”

“You can’t die from paper cuts. It would take too—“

“—long? Long we have. Lots and lots of long. And, as you can see by those bundles, we have all the paper we need, and then some. Shall we proceed?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Only if you want to die a death by Q-tips. Or French onion soup. Or dental floss. Or—“

“I’ll take paper cuts.”

“Good choice. And remember—”

“What?!?”

“It’s not the last cut that kills you, but the first.”

“Thanks. I needed that.”

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One Bag Full

Flash Fiction

by Charles McKelvy

“Hey, buddy?”

“What?!? Can’t you see—I’m eatin’ here?”

“Yeah, you’re always eatin’ here. Anyway, how many bags you see over there?”

The eternally eating other looked up from his meal of the moment. “Where?”

“Over there. By the big oak tree.”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious to anyone with eyes—one bag full.”

“Okay. Now look over there. Across the road.”

“Yeah. I see.”

“What do you see?”

“A bunch a bags. Six or seven, if you ask me. Six or seven bags full.”

“Full of what?”

“You know what they’re full of, unless you’re as full of bull hockey as I think you are.”

“They’re full of food, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, of course, but—“

“There are six or seven bags full across the road for them what only give milk. And here, in our little corner of paradise, why we gots only one bag full.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning: pack on the pounds big boy, because we’re shipping out sooner than you can say double cheeseburger with fries.”

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